Monday, June 23, 2008

Performance Enhancing Science: Bigger Biceps or a Nose Job?

Editor’s Note:  Being ‘out’ of baseball for a while affords a decent perspective to do some pontificating on the sport as most writers do — from outside the lines.  After an appropriate hiatus, we’ll try to do a few more postings and try to make things as interesting as they were before.  I tried to stay at arms’ length from the steroids banter while I was playing, because I thought there was already enough being said about it.  But riding my bike down the boardwalk in Santa Monica yesterday, I thought of something else — maybe there is a double standard here.

A few months in advance of the endorsement-fueled craziness that is sure to be the 2008 Beijing Olympics, we should take a quick look at the steroids controversy from a West Los Angeles perspective.  The question at hand, given Marion Jones, Barry Bonds, and countless other undisclosed users of performance-enhancing substances, is this: what is the difference between doing a cycle of Winstrol (Rafael Palmeiro) and getting your nose redone (Ashley Simpson)?  Rephrased:  Why does Roger Clemens get a congressional subpoena for his alleged drug abuse, while aspiring starlets just get more close-ups in People Magazine?  They’re all celebrities, they just have different jobs.

The Motive Argument.

Athletes who use performance-enhancing substances (and there are WAY more of them than anybody knows) do so in order to increase performance — hit balls farther, run faster, and enjoy the accompanying financial and emotional payoffs.  I argue that the motive to tuck the tummy, trim the schnozz, or laser zap the back hair does the same for other celebs.

The Health Argument.

The potential side effects of performance enhancing drugs vary as widely as the dosages, varieties, and ‘flavors’ of the drugs themselves.  Few doctors, however, will say that bar-none, all performance-enhancing drugs are bad for you.  Similarly, the jury is still out on the long-term side effects of various plastic surgeries.  Let’s keep young actors from pursuing dangerous surgeries in response to a casting directors’ comment just as we slap suspensions on minor league athletes who take amphetamines before games to ‘make it.’

The Justice Argument.

I believe it ultimately comes down to cheating.  Whether you are a struggling actor or a Low-A 3rd baseman, you have the option to pursue artificial enhancements to your body that could improve your performance and make you a lot of money.  Access to these substances/procedures, however, requires money and connections that not all aspiring celebrities possess.

So look for me standing along the red carpet, waving a huge bag of silicone and holding a huge sign that says “Cheaters!”

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